Small business people getting all businessy. (Source: iStock) In honor of small business week, we list five horribly embarrassing yet completely effective ways to survive when your back is up against the wall…or even worse, on the floor.
1. Don’t File Taxes – Call it a loan from the IRS
We recommend not talking to your accountant(s) about this. They will probably say something like, “but we have to pay our taxes!” They tend to be buzzkills like that. Fortunately, if you are a really small business, you probably don’t owe that much so they won’t come after you immediately. Also, you end up getting an amazing APR given their fine schedule.
2. Hire family members – pretend to pay them as they pretend to work
Ah, nepotism. Derived from the Italian word “nipote” meaning nephew, it was the phrase used to describe Cardinals and Priests giving favor to their family members. Now-a-days, the practice is used everywhere from Variety Stores to small software companies; with the nephews usually being lost millennials who need to pass the time, and the Cardinals being frustrated baby-boomers who don’t understand why their DLLs from the nineties no longer work.
3. Develop a program for interns – teach them the meaning of work with no pay
Interns are like candy; they are sweet and fun to consume, but if you have too much, your teeth will fall out. College and high school students tend to work the best – after that people expect to be “paid” for their work, and you can no longer use ”you’ll get a letter of recommendation!” as a bargaining chip.
4. Take out a loan from the bank – offer up your first born as collateral
As you might expect, banks don’t normally deal in children. Bring the child anyways, then leave him or her on the banker’s desk whilst slipping them a twenty. At the very least, it will be one less mouth to feed…
However, if you are somehow “emotionally attached” to your child, we recommend simply coming prepared with a package of reports furnished by the sturdy wisdom of our SurvivalWare software package. Bankers love graphs and numbers, and can’t stand crying babies.
5. Participate in pharmaceutical research – ignore the side effects
Try not to do this with American companies…the FDA has way too many rules intended to protect people and therefore doesn’t pay as well. We recommend contacting China and getting research chemicals through the mail. Make sure that you document everything, and good luck with that weird pulsing sensation in the back of your head!
1. Don’t File Taxes – Call it a loan from the IRS
We recommend not talking to your accountant(s) about this. They will probably say something like, “but we have to pay our taxes!” They tend to be buzzkills like that. Fortunately, if you are a really small business, you probably don’t owe that much so they won’t come after you immediately. Also, you end up getting an amazing APR given their fine schedule.
2. Hire family members – pretend to pay them as they pretend to work
Ah, nepotism. Derived from the Italian word “nipote” meaning nephew, it was the phrase used to describe Cardinals and Priests giving favor to their family members. Now-a-days, the practice is used everywhere from Variety Stores to small software companies; with the nephews usually being lost millennials who need to pass the time, and the Cardinals being frustrated baby-boomers who don’t understand why their DLLs from the nineties no longer work.
3. Develop a program for interns – teach them the meaning of work with no pay
Interns are like candy; they are sweet and fun to consume, but if you have too much, your teeth will fall out. College and high school students tend to work the best – after that people expect to be “paid” for their work, and you can no longer use ”you’ll get a letter of recommendation!” as a bargaining chip.
4. Take out a loan from the bank – offer up your first born as collateral
As you might expect, banks don’t normally deal in children. Bring the child anyways, then leave him or her on the banker’s desk whilst slipping them a twenty. At the very least, it will be one less mouth to feed…
However, if you are somehow “emotionally attached” to your child, we recommend simply coming prepared with a package of reports furnished by the sturdy wisdom of our SurvivalWare software package. Bankers love graphs and numbers, and can’t stand crying babies.
5. Participate in pharmaceutical research – ignore the side effects
Try not to do this with American companies…the FDA has way too many rules intended to protect people and therefore doesn’t pay as well. We recommend contacting China and getting research chemicals through the mail. Make sure that you document everything, and good luck with that weird pulsing sensation in the back of your head!
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